do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
