sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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