im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
