im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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