So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize