you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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