I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
