Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
