sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
