My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize