You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
