how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
