i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
