A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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