dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
