I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize