I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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