My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
