you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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