I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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