We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
