Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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