I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
