Im at strip club and am horny
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
