I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
