At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
