being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
How drunk are you?
Completed.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
