hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
