i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
