I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
