I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Operation Purity has been aborted
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
