I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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