I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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