I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
pop tarts are not kleenex
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
