Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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