Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
