I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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