dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
