That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
