you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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