We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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