i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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