I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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