Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
