i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize