you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
