Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize