i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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