I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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