tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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