My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So much rum. So many feels.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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