i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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