Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
