I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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