You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
