Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
